I lost a day, but gained a perspective

The first anniversary I was distracted by a kind soul (fellow CADI) who shared my same accident anniversary. We talked and waited for the time to pass from 8:07 pm to 8:08 pm and I realized I was still breathing.

The second anniversary I felt a little more assured on the reality that time keeps moving on. Or forward, we do’n’t “move on” we just move forward. I was also aware that beating my self up each Oct. 4th was justified.

The Lord truly works in mysterious ways and the humor of his teachings I appreciate more and more! A few weeks ago I shared how I realized that this day was exactly 6 weeks away. Patrick has scheduled his own orthodontist appointment and I almost shut down. There is a realization is that this date is personal to me, I remember the date where as for everyone else including my family it’s just another day.

(Que dramatic photo)

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I sent that to a small group of loving people who support me in both love and truth. I finished up a poem I dedicated to David and went into a spiral of negative thinking of all the things I did not do since this time last year. I went to bed worked up about the next day.

Here is the irony I had convinced myself that Thursday was the 4th and had set myself up for sadness. My brain went to great lengths to trick myself, I even had wrong date on lesson plan slides. 🤦🏼‍♀️🤣

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So essentially I “lost” a day somehow. I just in my mind skipped the 3rd and got ahead of myself!

I was set to teach and suddenly I remembered the ortho appointment thinking I had scheduled during class time with nothing in place. I panicked, looked at the calendar and realized wait, “today is Thursday the 3rd.” So I didn’t sleep well, cried, shamed myself, bathing in self loathing. So then sitting in the car staring at the calendar I started laughing out loud at myself! Laughed till I cried, I didn’t know if I should blame my blonde hair or the PTSD brain. I had a chance to enjoy the rest of the day because it was really the 3rd not the 4th.

My next step was to praise the Lord for the lesson. If I continue to dread this day, I will ultimately lose a day. The day was not lost and neither is today, the 4th. I paused to think of this day and @8pm tonight I may say a prayer for his family. But I get it! I now believe this mishap was a gift from the Lord, he knew what would speak to my heart! ❤️

Last year on this day I made a post that shared my passion for Safe2Save and their commitment to safe driving. I felt a burning inside me to share the same passion, do everything you can to prevent more senseless deaths with distracted driving awareness. I didn’t know how much that passion would cost me with some friendships (but I trust the Lord in that as well). More that what it cost, I gained. The passion moved me to launch Accidental Hope, podcast dedicated to be a resource for people who have had serious accidents or trauma. 28 episodes strong! I am now speaking and serving with the Safe2Save app, as a Safety  Ambassador which fills my cup to overflow on an innocent person who is not prepared to hear the mission and vision of S2S! 🤣 Sorry not sorry! Another celebration is writing my story with the purpose of sharing hope through the unimaginable curve balls life can throw at us. It is written and I celebrate that not any plans other than finishing a goal!

Philippians 1:6 “He who began a good work in you will carry it on to fruition!” 🙌🏻 Amen my assignment is not complete!

I write all this to say, don’t waste the precious days you have with beating yourself up! No one wins and nothing gained a with that mentality. Honor your future not hold onto the past!

God bless you on the journey!

XOXO

The Truth Will Set You Free

Courage is the most important of all virtues, because without courage, you cannot practice any of the other virtues consistently.” ~Maya Angelou

Maya is one of the greatest souls to ever walk this earth, I had the privilege to see her read poetry in Dallas many years ago. I giddy in a packed room listening to every lingering word that she spoke. She had a presence about her and a different pace in how she articulated that set her apart. In her lifetime she shared many amazing and painful events in her life. Her transparency is only one aspect of her tremendous courage. I can’t begin to imagine the tasks she tackled and triumphed personally and professionally. For damn certain she was called, equipped and she did it scared!

I know why the caged bird sings…

When you are locked in your head and trapped inside yourself you feel like a caged bird. I didn’t know how good it would feel to release my truth into the world until I did it. I was terrified but I realized letting in free nothing had power anymore. No one could hurt me worse than I felt and so I literally had nothing to lose.

I responded to a project found on Accidental Impacts for a journalist from The New Yorker. Out of the thousands that could have been chosen, Alice Gregory selected a few for her research. From the floor of my closet I spilled my heartbreak, regret and bad words to a complete stranger. When I gave every detail, fear and frustration about “the accident” I felt a weight was lifted. I felt slightly freer.

Followed by crazy anxiety that maybe my details crossed a line or perhaps this would become a big mess, but to this day I do not regret sharing my truth with the world and being a small voice of an emerging community calling out from the shadows of guilt and shame.

Went and picked up this copy for $10 that was later ruined by spilled coffee

Link to the full article here.

Link to episode where I follow up with Alice. Episode Season 1 Episode 18.

The second crazy thing I did that started this whole crazy ride was another project, a new podcast concept called “What Was That Like.”

Again I did something I have never done before and I was so very scared to show my wounds to the world because at that time they weren’t scars. I had not even felt the reality of the first anniversary. But keeping it in was also destroying me, so I did it scared.

Graphic credit Scott Johnson

I didn’t realize that speaking out would help me find a community that has blessed my life incredibly. I am thankful for every sacred story shared with me and the pain that bonds us. I care deeply for complete strangers from all over the world. I am grateful. Humbled. These “projects” were catalysts for a calling God was calling out in me.

Hebrews 13:21

May he equip you with all you need for doing his will. May he produce in you, through the power of Jesus Christ, every good thing that is pleasing to him. All glory to him forever and ever! Amen

My Why, the Bridge Between Heartbreak & Healing

The why I had an accident involving fatality will drive you bananas! I would say the questions of which there are no answers can drive you ba[email protected]!#* crazy!🙊 There isn’t a good “why” so I focus on “what now?”

The why I share openly my heart and experience, that list is simple.

LOVE ❤️ Link to Inaugural Episode

I love God who created me, who hears me, who goes before me and weaves a tapestry of life I am blessed to journey! That does not exclude the bad, ugly and heartbroken events on this journey. I share how my hope in Jesus and belief that my sins are forgiven because of work on the cross by my Savior. I share His love because it is for all and covers all.

I love my family and friends who challenge me and support me despite my flaws! Documenting my feelings is a place I can keep my thoughts so that people love me can walk this journey with me.

I also share so those that have traveled this awfully lonely path do not feel alone. I have a deep empathy and reservoir of love to give those that are hurting, those that walk this road as an accidental killer (CADI).

“Meet me on the bridge from heartbreak of the soul and path to healing” `Unknown

Waco, TX

I think a lot on the topics of love and grief. Sometimes I feel they are polar opposites but yet they are connected. We grieve because we love.

***Change in subject 🤪

I have always been drawn to the life of Moses. Possibly because Katy and Haven always wanted to hear “the baby Moses” story from their children’s bible. Over and over again.

There is connection there, he was raised in unique circumstances.

He was an accidental killer

He was timid but obedient

***another change in subject stay with me***🤣

When we were in Washington DC at the Bible Museum ( worth the visit I promise!)  there is an interactive walk through of Moses life. So moving, very well done!

I had an ah-ha moment.

What broke Pharaoh’s spirit…grief. What gave Moses the courage to do and say and act as he did…love for God and God’s People!

Moses saw his community (Jews) hurting and it stirred him driven by love. He also made mistakes driven by that same powerful emotion. 🔥

I get stirred up for my people, but it’s driven by love. I make mistakes but it’s rooted in that same place. There is so much value in community! When you have a support system treasure it! Protect it! Be willing to part the seas, trudge mountains and wander deserts for it! 🙌🏻

Dear CADI,

You are loved! You are worthy of love, BIG love, you have a chance to change your world! You have experienced earth-shattering pain and still breathing. Your healing is a gift! 🙌🏻 The acceptance of this means love wins, the accident did not defeat you!!You have overcome, so walk in that light not worried of what the world thinks of you because you know you are a survivor! Now find your why and live it to the best of your ability! Let questions that can’t be answered fall off your weary shoulders, embrace healing and go spread some love!

Love big and boldly!

xoxo,

jenn