Posted on

2022 the short version

I accomplished a dream of publishing a book. It was hard. I don’t have eloquent words for the feat of this magnitude. 90K words of my heart in print. Pray for it to reach people who need to hear it.  Holy Spirit do what only you can.

My heart broke over and over in 2022. There was change out of my control. New levels of trusting God and letting go. I had to dig deep. I am still reaching but less of my own strength and more of God’s. The things we are facing aren’t the kind I can just fix, they are the supernatural-sized. The kinds of trials that are testing. The difference is I have had more resolve to sit in peace. Choosing to love and exhale, releasing the temptation to hold onto expectations and simply, trust.

I do trust, I trust like crazy. I also know that my prayers are heard and I will never stop believing.

I got a tattoo with my mom & sister. It’s a little bigger then I envisioned  but I love it.

We graduated Katy and it was letting go that ached my core. How did she grow up? I knew it was coming and then it was done.

We moved, God blessed us. SO while we battled spiritual warfare He provided hope. A God-sized, can’t-make-this-up kind of provision. I am in awe, someday I hope to share the miracle of our new home.

My parent’s sold our home from my childhood and it was grief, like actual grieving. All the memories it held. We also celebrated 45 years of marriage with a renewal of vows. They are the cutest. I love them so much!

We were a family of 7 for the month of June. William is apart of my heart. Incredibly grateful to be a bonus mom-ish and help love this boy!

Haven started public school and our house flooded.

I met a CADI friend and had the honor of speaking at his church in Pflugerville. Rev David Peters. I met wonderful, beautiful people.

I told the Lord in 2021, after being a guest on @RedTableTalk that I was cool, that if nothing ever else happened in life I was good. But I also said, Lord use me, I am willing.

October just after honoring and remembering David for the 6th year, I traveled to North Carolina. God and his people provided the means to travel to speak at a retreat for survivors. I battled. I wanted with all my heart to go and yet, there was this inner battle of a voice that said, “you are not worthy.”

The message God gave me was “God Makes It Beautiful.” Because he does! My story is never going to be exceptional, but what God does can be. I looked into the eyes of twelve brave women and I was in awe of the Holy Spirit’s presence.  You could feel him in the room. The joy. The family. The closeness. Beautiful.

He takes our shame, and our guilt, our wishes to rewrite our story and he makes it beautiful. I am really grateful he has the ability to do this but also how he connected women in the room with different stories. I know they left fired-up, filled-up and stirred to share that what happened to them doesn’t define them.  *Bonus-I met a CADI that was there as a survivor of unimaginable pain. She is beautiful and I was there for her, God sent me for the one. Honored and humbled.

My heart is still broken and mending from 2022 but I am grateful beyond words and hopeful without fear, anxiety or doubt of God’s goodness.

In between and not pictured were a couple semesters of graduate school. An MRI and trip back to Children’s Dallas to visit Katy’s neurosurgeon, A few trips to the ER, Covid, a wicked run-in with flu and a colonoscopy. I also got to see my books on the shelves of Barnes & Noble and that was surreal.  Let’s go 2023 I am all in!

XOXO,

Jenn

Posted on

God answers prayers, He does

About 5 years ago, a weeping mess sitting in a counselor’s office I cried out that there should be more help, more resources for people who have been involved with accidental death. Three years ago I started a podcast to offer a safe place for stories of hope, resources, and always point people to Jesus. A year ago I was watching a Red Table Talk about anxiety, I started following the show. I told the Lord this is a place that would do justice with the topic of being a CADI (Causing Accidental Death or Injury). In this  conversation I said I am willing go where he leads, share with whoever he brings in my path and give glory to him.  I did not have any other focus other than to share of his goodness. On November 4th, one month after the 5 year anniversary of my accident I flew to Las Angeles and met one of my heroes, Dr. Maryann Gray.  She and I were invited to the Red Table Talk. In this moment God answered 2 prayers to meet the person who had the courage to start Accidental Impacts and to speak on behalf of CADIs on Red Table Talk.

I am speechless. I am in such awe. The whole trip was beautiful and exciting. And not that I deserved any of this, God answered another prayer. I met one of my CADI friends that lives outside of LA and she drove to have breakfast with me. Hugging Laura instead of just telling her how someday we will get to hug in person, really happened. Many tears and prayers we have shared.

On the trip home my Uber driver opened up after learning why I was traveling that he too was a CADI.  Long ago when he was an off duty police officer a mentally impaired man threw himself in front of his car. He said, ” I had to call my Sargent to come to the scene.” It was hard but it wasn’t his first time attending an accident scene. He said he never shares that obviously as he now drives people for a living. His name was Kim.  I sat in the back seat listening while he took me from the hotel to the airport in the infamous 405 traffic, and once again I knew all the steps down to every detail were ordained. How can I not feel so incredibly close to the Lord and his goodness and these divine coincidences? These are things that either you stand in wonder with me or think I am a crazy liar. That’s okay, I know the truth and so people thinking I am crazy or making it up does not offend me one bit!

I am an ordinary person who wildly loves the Lord and miracles abound. Do I still have hard days? Of course, we battle everyday with lots of junk I don’t always share, but that 100% does not change the goodness of God.  The journey to CA is one of the most treasured experiences of my life and I am grateful! Ephesians 3:20, “Now all glory to God, who is able, through his mighty power at work within us, to accomplish infinitely more than we might ask or think.”

 

Posted on

Teetering focus

I consider myself a realist, the younger, more naive version of myself could find the sunny side of just about any predicament.  And then life, but I am trying to find my way back to the middle where I am content with all situations.

For example, I’ve graduated my oldest son, I don’t need my mini-van anymore. Read that again in the voice of a mom navigating transition.  “I don’t need a mini van anymore!” The end of an era and embarking on new terrain. I have celebrated it and grieved it. I’m teetering so many emotions and I am working hard on embracing the beauty in it all.  I am deeply sad to see my oldest son go off in some ways because there are parts I would do over again if granted that wish. He makes the letting go easier in moments when he refuses to help with dishes, ha! And yet I am elated for him to find adventure in his new freedom…Polarized feelings any given minute.

Ex. 2 When my hosting for the podcast switched about half of my files did not transfer, so I am reloading them. I am reloading them and therefore learning from them again as I re-listen to every episode!

Ex. 3 A small group of C.A.D.I. s want to get together here in Waco, in person!!! Like I love these people I have never met, and yet the only reason for our chance meeting…we share the deepest pain we wish on no one, ever! And yet I anticipate when we can all come together and cry and hug and laugh and encourage and inspire one another.

Ex. 4My older daughter is like a little mama to my younger daughter, this can be both endearing and dangerous.

The other day my older daughter was preparing to leave for camp, she told our younger daughter a set of instructions. I smiled and said, “um hello, she has me lil mama.” And then I remember that my daughter took on some roles for me while I was struggling to just survive. The guilt has tried to tangle me up but I remain working on that focus, that God equipped us all while navigating that season. And praise the Lord grace covers it! Thank God they had each other and their is an unbreakable bond because of it but there is resentment too.

2 Corinthians 12:9 covers both scenarios, “But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest on me.”

I grieve my life before the accident but I am so grateful for the person I have become and the community I now love.

Can you think of something that has you walk the line of appreciating different perspectives?

We went to the Homestead here in Waco, and I could have spent all day there tucked away, it is so peaceful. Wildflowers scattered everywhere, it was unusually cool in TX for July and it was drizzling rain. There is a barn that was rebuilt from early American settlers with a watermill to power it’s storefront. I just stood and listened letting the trickling sounds sooth my soul. I want to go back and just sit again. Contently. The people who live there choose a simpler life. While visiting the coffee shop there I took this picture of a sunflower patch, the picture doesn’t do it justice and then the camera adjusted to get a shot of the raindrops gathering outside. I loved both pictures equally.

I want to love the me before and the me after equally too. I’ll get there and I hope you do too!

XOXO, Jenn

P.S. to those with little ones and you are tired and would give anything for a night of pre-kid sleep…take time to breathe it all in. Those moments that break you in tears of frustration (i.e. the exploding diaper or marker on the new couch) those memories are precious too, I promise!!

Posted on

Season 3 Episode 67: A Blessed Tragedy w/ Jesse Schrake

In this episode Jennifer talks with public speaker and safe-driving advocate Jesse Schrake about the aftermath of his accident. He encourages us to make choices that honor God and the healing power of forgiveness and true identity in Christ. To find out more about the co-authored book with Amanda Watts and Jesse Schrake please visit Amazon: https://www.amazon.com/Blessed-Tragedy-Amanda-Watts/dp/1700495623, or their social media platforms.
Posted on

Passion & Purpose with Marci Corry

In this episode Jennifer visits with founder of Safe2Save App, Marci Corry to talk about passion and purpose. She is devoted to seeing change  in safer driving across the country. In a near fatal accident Marci was grateful to be alive and her faith became stronger. To find more about the Safe2Save Mission and how to get involved please visit, https://safe2save.org/

Posted on

Season III

I looked up the biblical meaning of three and it did not disappoint. It’s the number of harmony, three accord (strength), three is for eternal life and the resurrection on the third day.

The 2nd season of Accidental Hope exceeded all expectations with guests and incredible stories. The goal was to find stories of overcoming, beauty from ashes, purpose from pain…and hopefully make some friends along the way.

My dear friend Audrey Fulton, a tragic accident may have brought us together but God has connected us in so many other levels. She is a mother of four and her strength and faith are rare. The Fulton’s prove vows matter and marriage can handle anything when God is at the center.

I talked with Dr. Maryann Gray, a pioneer of hope for C.A.D.I.s , she shared stages of grief and her journey of accepting. It was such an honor to meet her and now I consider her a friend.

Darin Strauss, author of Half A Life reminded me the power and freedom of sharing your story. I was so nervous and Darin’s down to earth spirit eased those nerves almost instantly.

We heard from a world-wide evangelist with his struggle in faith (Jay Lowder), a sexual assault survivor advocate (Lavinia Masters) , families who started foundations to honor loved ones, two best friends that literally experienced the most heartbreaking loss and God got the glory. I literally could not pick a favorite episode because they each mean the world to me, my only hope is that they connect to someone else who needed to know it will be okay.

We heard from many moms including my own and how motherhood and tragedy come together, there is grace, fortitude, and inspiration.

Season 2 had something for everyone, an artist and entrepreneur, different types of trauma including racial injustice, living organ donation, battling cancer and daily devotions with Tera Elness.

I don’t have a Word for this year, a vision board, or a prominent goal. No hustle, no BS, just one step forward each day learning and growing and seeking deeper connections with people and faith. I don’t have a plan or an outline or expectations of the season to come but my heart is open and I am ready to receive what may come.

There are many lessons to be grateful for from living through a global pandemic. I hope 2020 taught you, you are stronger than you can imagine, we can pivot when least expecting and triumph when facing utter chaos. The world went upside down, but we are still here and I am grateful!

May God bless whoever finds this little blog!

Blessings.

XOXO, Jenn

  • Coach Debbi
  • Katy & I
  • David Peter
  • Heidi Easley
  • Jay Lowder
  • Tera Elness
  • Dr. Maryann Gray
  • Darin Strauss
  • Chris Yaw
  • Robby & Cassia Wachsmann

Posted on

Motherhood + Trauma = Incredible Strength

We wanted to crawl in a hole and sit in the chaos. We wanted to turn off noise and demands and tasks, but we couldn’t! We wanted to give up, run away and turn back time, but all were impossible. We wanted to protect our children from the pain of this new reality and the pain of watching us crumble. We had to be strong when we didn’t feel it.

This is motherhood.

Hard.

Worth it!

I want to thank the women who were involved in this project, including my own mother! (I love you mom! )

Grab a notebook and a tissue, no matter what trauma you are facing there is wisdom in these stories, may the Holy Spirit soften your heart and minister to us through their stories.

2 Part Series

Posted on

I lost a day, but gained a perspective

The first anniversary I was distracted by a kind soul (fellow CADI) who shared my same accident anniversary. We talked and waited for the time to pass from 8:07 pm to 8:08 pm and I realized I was still breathing.

The second anniversary I felt a little more assured on the reality that time keeps moving on. Or forward, we do’n’t “move on” we just move forward. I was also aware that beating my self up each Oct. 4th was justified.

The Lord truly works in mysterious ways and the humor of his teachings I appreciate more and more! A few weeks ago I shared how I realized that this day was exactly 6 weeks away. Patrick has scheduled his own orthodontist appointment and I almost shut down. There is a realization is that this date is personal to me, I remember the date where as for everyone else including my family it’s just another day.

(Que dramatic photo)

0FA0F9DF-358B-4DDB-939B-E87602E63A8C

I sent that to a small group of loving people who support me in both love and truth. I finished up a poem I dedicated to David and went into a spiral of negative thinking of all the things I did not do since this time last year. I went to bed worked up about the next day.

Here is the irony I had convinced myself that Thursday was the 4th and had set myself up for sadness. My brain went to great lengths to trick myself, I even had wrong date on lesson plan slides. 🤦🏼‍♀️🤣

B2A7302B-008C-4E7D-9C48-9D5C96F5C2AE.jpeg

So essentially I “lost” a day somehow. I just in my mind skipped the 3rd and got ahead of myself!

I was set to teach and suddenly I remembered the ortho appointment thinking I had scheduled during class time with nothing in place. I panicked, looked at the calendar and realized wait, “today is Thursday the 3rd.” So I didn’t sleep well, cried, shamed myself, bathing in self loathing. So then sitting in the car staring at the calendar I started laughing out loud at myself! Laughed till I cried, I didn’t know if I should blame my blonde hair or the PTSD brain. I had a chance to enjoy the rest of the day because it was really the 3rd not the 4th.

My next step was to praise the Lord for the lesson. If I continue to dread this day, I will ultimately lose a day. The day was not lost and neither is today, the 4th. I paused to think of this day and @8pm tonight I may say a prayer for his family. But I get it! I now believe this mishap was a gift from the Lord, he knew what would speak to my heart! ❤️

Last year on this day I made a post that shared my passion for Safe2Save and their commitment to safe driving. I felt a burning inside me to share the same passion, do everything you can to prevent more senseless deaths with distracted driving awareness. I didn’t know how much that passion would cost me with some friendships (but I trust the Lord in that as well). More that what it cost, I gained. The passion moved me to launch Accidental Hope, podcast dedicated to be a resource for people who have had serious accidents or trauma. 28 episodes strong! I am now speaking and serving with the Safe2Save app, as a Safety  Ambassador which fills my cup to overflow on an innocent person who is not prepared to hear the mission and vision of S2S! 🤣 Sorry not sorry! Another celebration is writing my story with the purpose of sharing hope through the unimaginable curve balls life can throw at us. It is written and I celebrate that not any plans other than finishing a goal!

Philippians 1:6 “He who began a good work in you will carry it on to fruition!” 🙌🏻 Amen my assignment is not complete!

I write all this to say, don’t waste the precious days you have with beating yourself up! No one wins and nothing gained a with that mentality. Honor your future not hold onto the past!

God bless you on the journey!

XOXO

Posted on

In six weeks I have an appointment

Originally published Aug. 25, 2019

Did you know Orthodontists schedule appointments six-weeks out now instead of monthly (at least ours does).  For a little over a year we trek up the highway to the best deal I could find to invest a small fortune on my oldest son’s confidence smile. As he feels grown now (17th birthday is around the corner) He goes back there and I hang in the lobby scrolling Facebook checking emails and working on lesson planning or podcast dreaming. When he is finished I am normally summoned to make the next 6 week appointment.  As a teacher I think of six weeks in terms of grades are due, chunks of units that need to be covered in order to pace the learning…but this upcoming six weeks appointment made me hit the pause button. How could it have come so soon? It took my breath away, inside chaos momentarily rose up like a volcano of emotions. Patrick emerged from the hall with appointment card proudly in hand. New blue bands adorned his grill and he confidently started to stroll on past me.  “You made your appointment by yourself?”  For a second that realization stung but I smiled at his pride but then he handed the little reminder embossed card and he had no idea the floodgate that opened. It wasn’t the reality that my “baby” is able and should be on his way to becoming more independent. (However under a couple layers that pain sits there too!)

10/04 9:30 a.m.

It is the day that changed many lives and it’s six weeks away until we reach the third anniversary of the accident. I secretly made promises to David  myself about what this year would look like. I talked with God about dreams and hopes of helping people. I challenged myself to take action some of the things I have thought about like starting a podcast and committing to it until the Lord opens another door. Other goals like getting healthier I fell short but emotionally I think I am healthier so that counts and I will make smaller goals this time around. It is easier to focus on one or two goals at a time. The me before the accident could have a cluttered dream board working all at the same time, not now.

I smiled at Patrick and inside I wanted to cry. I thought about going to change it but then I would have to explain why. As true Ennegram 6 I have thought about Chris taking him that day and I have negotiated an inner pep talk  a dozen times that it’s fine. I am fine. The 4th of October is fine.

I will more than likely go about what appears to be a “normal” day but it isn’t. It will be a significant Friday for our family for a couple of reasons.  We will welcome a new member to our family that weekend and privately manage another anniversary. Three years ago it was an ordinary Tuesday turned tragic.

Some CADIs (Causing Accidental Death or Injury) honor the lost in an outward way, some don’t believe in celebrating the most painful day of their lives. Both decisions are right. It is deeply personal, however no CADI forgets. I knew what I wanted to do this year the day after last year.  I hope I make him proud, I live life to honor the life that was lost. I hope I make my family proud despite minor setbacks and some things that will never be the same.

It’s funny and not funny that life throws these “little” reminders my way, of all the days in which the calendar could fall it didn’t choose that randomly.

I am learning to welcome the shock, process it, and continue moving forward. I may hobble but I am not stuck. Praise the Lord for that, I don’t take healing for granted I am so completely grateful!

XOXO,

Jenn