Posted on

Teetering focus

I consider myself a realist, the younger, more naive version of myself could find the sunny side of just about any predicament.  And then life, but I am trying to find my way back to the middle where I am content with all situations.

For example, I’ve graduated my oldest son, I don’t need my mini-van anymore. Read that again in the voice of a mom navigating transition.  “I don’t need a mini van anymore!” The end of an era and embarking on new terrain. I have celebrated it and grieved it. I’m teetering so many emotions and I am working hard on embracing the beauty in it all.  I am deeply sad to see my oldest son go off in some ways because there are parts I would do over again if granted that wish. He makes the letting go easier in moments when he refuses to help with dishes, ha! And yet I am elated for him to find adventure in his new freedom…Polarized feelings any given minute.

Ex. 2 When my hosting for the podcast switched about half of my files did not transfer, so I am reloading them. I am reloading them and therefore learning from them again as I re-listen to every episode!

Ex. 3 A small group of C.A.D.I. s want to get together here in Waco, in person!!! Like I love these people I have never met, and yet the only reason for our chance meeting…we share the deepest pain we wish on no one, ever! And yet I anticipate when we can all come together and cry and hug and laugh and encourage and inspire one another.

Ex. 4My older daughter is like a little mama to my younger daughter, this can be both endearing and dangerous.

The other day my older daughter was preparing to leave for camp, she told our younger daughter a set of instructions. I smiled and said, “um hello, she has me lil mama.” And then I remember that my daughter took on some roles for me while I was struggling to just survive. The guilt has tried to tangle me up but I remain working on that focus, that God equipped us all while navigating that season. And praise the Lord grace covers it! Thank God they had each other and their is an unbreakable bond because of it but there is resentment too.

2 Corinthians 12:9 covers both scenarios, “But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest on me.”

I grieve my life before the accident but I am so grateful for the person I have become and the community I now love.

Can you think of something that has you walk the line of appreciating different perspectives?

We went to the Homestead here in Waco, and I could have spent all day there tucked away, it is so peaceful. Wildflowers scattered everywhere, it was unusually cool in TX for July and it was drizzling rain. There is a barn that was rebuilt from early American settlers with a watermill to power it’s storefront. I just stood and listened letting the trickling sounds sooth my soul. I want to go back and just sit again. Contently. The people who live there choose a simpler life. While visiting the coffee shop there I took this picture of a sunflower patch, the picture doesn’t do it justice and then the camera adjusted to get a shot of the raindrops gathering outside. I loved both pictures equally.

I want to love the me before and the me after equally too. I’ll get there and I hope you do too!

XOXO, Jenn

P.S. to those with little ones and you are tired and would give anything for a night of pre-kid sleep…take time to breathe it all in. Those moments that break you in tears of frustration (i.e. the exploding diaper or marker on the new couch) those memories are precious too, I promise!!

Posted on

Season III

I looked up the biblical meaning of three and it did not disappoint. It’s the number of harmony, three accord (strength), three is for eternal life and the resurrection on the third day.

The 2nd season of Accidental Hope exceeded all expectations with guests and incredible stories. The goal was to find stories of overcoming, beauty from ashes, purpose from pain…and hopefully make some friends along the way.

My dear friend Audrey Fulton, a tragic accident may have brought us together but God has connected us in so many other levels. She is a mother of four and her strength and faith are rare. The Fulton’s prove vows matter and marriage can handle anything when God is at the center.

I talked with Dr. Maryann Gray, a pioneer of hope for C.A.D.I.s , she shared stages of grief and her journey of accepting. It was such an honor to meet her and now I consider her a friend.

Darin Strauss, author of Half A Life reminded me the power and freedom of sharing your story. I was so nervous and Darin’s down to earth spirit eased those nerves almost instantly.

We heard from a world-wide evangelist with his struggle in faith (Jay Lowder), a sexual assault survivor advocate (Lavinia Masters) , families who started foundations to honor loved ones, two best friends that literally experienced the most heartbreaking loss and God got the glory. I literally could not pick a favorite episode because they each mean the world to me, my only hope is that they connect to someone else who needed to know it will be okay.

We heard from many moms including my own and how motherhood and tragedy come together, there is grace, fortitude, and inspiration.

Season 2 had something for everyone, an artist and entrepreneur, different types of trauma including racial injustice, living organ donation, battling cancer and daily devotions with Tera Elness.

I don’t have a Word for this year, a vision board, or a prominent goal. No hustle, no BS, just one step forward each day learning and growing and seeking deeper connections with people and faith. I don’t have a plan or an outline or expectations of the season to come but my heart is open and I am ready to receive what may come.

There are many lessons to be grateful for from living through a global pandemic. I hope 2020 taught you, you are stronger than you can imagine, we can pivot when least expecting and triumph when facing utter chaos. The world went upside down, but we are still here and I am grateful!

May God bless whoever finds this little blog!

Blessings.

XOXO, Jenn

  • Coach Debbi
  • Katy & I
  • David Peter
  • Heidi Easley
  • Jay Lowder
  • Tera Elness
  • Dr. Maryann Gray
  • Darin Strauss
  • Chris Yaw
  • Robby & Cassia Wachsmann

Posted on

Mulling Over Moral Injury

When someone puts words to your feelings there is instant relief. It identifies the “thing” you struggled to communicate yet it is as real tears you cry to express it. I felt this when David Peters explained moral injury. From a clinical view I feel it was almost text book.

The phrase moral compass describes the innate pull to know right from wrong and choose right. I feel confident, not arrogant for saying I had and have a moral compass. Not perfect but I tend to navigate towards what is “right.” I also try to apologize and take responsibility when I have wronged someone.

The accident left me feeling like I was no longer a good person, my soul, my spirit injured…moral injury. Thankfully with God’s grace this is not a stamp marked across my forehead yet it lingers. God’s word says that I am not marked by my sin or experiences, it does not define me, or you.

Here are some of my take-a-ways with talking to David.

  1. The first thing was his name. I won’t over-spiritualize this but David was the name of the man I was in an accident with. I vowed to the Lord I would not fear that name every time I hear or speak the name David but instead I would pray for his children. So secretly the whole time I was also thinking of them during this podcast recording.
  2. It amazes me that through this painful experience God has made connections with complete strangers. How a teacher from Central Texas can have common ground with a retired Army Chaplain who has served our country overseas and yet there were several instances of true understanding behind actions and thoughts. (Connection to song, hating our cars, triggers, taking chances that would be “fair” if something happened to us like cosmic law)
  3. Crushed- it is a strong word. Crushed in spirit. Crushed dreams. Crushed identity. When we crush something you might feel it is destroyed but not through a biblical lens. The crushing of grapes is a transition that leads to wine. In my humble opinion wine is the best part of grapes. I am glad that this was brought up, take time to meditate on this topic. Here are some additional verses: 2 Cor 4:8, Proverbs 15:4, Proverbs 13:12, and James 1:2-4
  4. Speaking of grapes, let’s talk communion. When your heart is heavy, this practice always comforts and puts things in perspective. David said during his time of disconnect and anger with God he could still be fully present and connect with this sacred practice. Unknowingly, my interviewee had no idea that I too am fond of the breaking of bread and drinking the cup. I am always moved by this remembrance of what Christ did for me, for all. Often I weep as I pray over my wafer and tiny cup of juice. This was the first thing Chris and I did as husband and wife. A precious memory. If you feel burdened by your past or current state I urge you to grab a cracker and splash of juice. Give thanks for what Christ did for you on the cross, ask for forgiveness and cleansing. Ask for renewing of your mind and praise Him for bearing the burden of sin. Thank him for his love. You will be changed.
  5. Silence. This is something I take part of more after the accident. Before I did not enjoy silence in fact it made me nervous and I would fill up space with awkward or irrelevant noise, humming, conversation, anything to fill the silence. Now I need it to recharge. It gives me time to sort out thoughts. I am often over-stimulated with just the daily grind. What struck me is that both my first guest Dr. John Knox ( the Chaplain who helped me immediately after and during the recovery) also talked about the ministry of silence. David referenced the book of Revelation 8:1-5 where heaven was silent before Jesus return. The calm before the storm. The enormity of what will happen when Satan is defeated. The preparation.  Silence really is golden. If you struggle with silence as I did before my accident I challenge you to reflect on why, embrace it, make peace with it and take emotional inventory of how you feel afterwards.

Since the editing process I have listened to the episodes again and not for any vain reason but to really hear and absorb all that we can learn from one another. What stood out for you?

Please check out my friend and fellow CADIs book, Christ Walk Crushed: A 40-Day Journey Toward Reconciliation. If you missed the podcast here are links to the series.

XOXO,

Jenn

Overcoming P.T.S.D. and Unresolved Trauma Part 1

Part 2

Part 3