In six weeks I have an appointment

Originally published Aug. 25, 2019

Did you know Orthodontists schedule appointments six-weeks out now instead of monthly (at least ours does).  For a little over a year we trek up the highway to the best deal I could find to invest a small fortune on my oldest son’s confidence smile. As he feels grown now (17th birthday is around the corner) He goes back there and I hang in the lobby scrolling Facebook checking emails and working on lesson planning or podcast dreaming. When he is finished I am normally summoned to make the next 6 week appointment.  As a teacher I think of six weeks in terms of grades are due, chunks of units that need to be covered in order to pace the learning…but this upcoming six weeks appointment made me hit the pause button. How could it have come so soon? It took my breath away, inside chaos momentarily rose up like a volcano of emotions. Patrick emerged from the hall with appointment card proudly in hand. New blue bands adorned his grill and he confidently started to stroll on past me.  “You made your appointment by yourself?”  For a second that realization stung but I smiled at his pride but then he handed the little reminder embossed card and he had no idea the floodgate that opened. It wasn’t the reality that my “baby” is able and should be on his way to becoming more independent. (However under a couple layers that pain sits there too!)

10/04 9:30 a.m.

It is the day that changed many lives and it’s six weeks away until we reach the third anniversary of the accident. I secretly made promises to David  myself about what this year would look like. I talked with God about dreams and hopes of helping people. I challenged myself to take action some of the things I have thought about like starting a podcast and committing to it until the Lord opens another door. Other goals like getting healthier I fell short but emotionally I think I am healthier so that counts and I will make smaller goals this time around. It is easier to focus on one or two goals at a time. The me before the accident could have a cluttered dream board working all at the same time, not now.

I smiled at Patrick and inside I wanted to cry. I thought about going to change it but then I would have to explain why. As true Ennegram 6 I have thought about Chris taking him that day and I have negotiated an inner pep talk  a dozen times that it’s fine. I am fine. The 4th of October is fine.

I will more than likely go about what appears to be a “normal” day but it isn’t. It will be a significant Friday for our family for a couple of reasons.  We will welcome a new member to our family that weekend and privately manage another anniversary. Three years ago it was an ordinary Tuesday turned tragic.

Some CADIs (Causing Accidental Death or Injury) honor the lost in an outward way, some don’t believe in celebrating the most painful day of their lives. Both decisions are right. It is deeply personal, however no CADI forgets. I knew what I wanted to do this year the day after last year.  I hope I make him proud, I live life to honor the life that was lost. I hope I make my family proud despite minor setbacks and some things that will never be the same.

It’s funny and not funny that life throws these “little” reminders my way, of all the days in which the calendar could fall it didn’t choose that randomly.

I am learning to welcome the shock, process it, and continue moving forward. I may hobble but I am not stuck. Praise the Lord for that, I don’t take healing for granted I am so completely grateful!

XOXO,

Jenn

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